So… I pretty much just disappeared the last 11 ish months.
Our beautiful twin girls were born last April in the middle of their dad’s deployment. Between recovering from a cesarean birth, plus 5 rounds of mastitis, a viral rash that came after the antibiotics from the first round, thrush, general twin pregnancy recovery, and -oh, yes – raising two infants who were suddenly depending on me for their survival, something had to give. I circled the wagons, moved into my parents’ farm for the first ten weeks of my daughters’ lives, and put any kind of writing on the back burner. I needed to focus on becoming a mom, and in getting my health back in order. Not surprisingly, the 80+ pounds I gained while I was baking these two, and the whole ‘two humans inside my body’ thing, immediately followed by major abdominal surgery meant some work to get back to “normal” that I hadn’t anticipated.
No writing for a year other than journaling and devotionals. I’d felt God prompting this for the last few weeks of my pregnancy, but I wasn’t interested. Didn’t He know how my plans for my blog? Didn’t He know writing was a huge part of my identity? Well, of course He did. And wanted me to give it up anyway. I’m still just now working out some of the reasons why He wanted me to take a writing break – but I’m really excited to get back to it.
Motherhood is honestly… exhausting. My line that I have been giving people is that it’s the “coolest, hardest thing I’ve ever done,” and I think that pretty much sums it up.
There were a lot of things I was prepared for, to some extent, before I had the girls. I’ve changed hundreds of explosive diapers, rocked spit up covered clothes, perfected the walking bounce that all babies seem to love, and had a mama-sway for about a decade.
But there was so much that I wasn’t prepared for. The sleep deprivation, obviously. I was so not prepared for how exhausted I was going to be. Add in recovery from a major surgery (because that is what a cesarean birth is) and mastitis, and my body would legitimately shut down every night around 1030. I have never been that kind of tired in my entire life – the kind of tired that seriously sits in your bones and you can’t shake with just one night of sleep. How much I would need to lean on people. My ‘little’ sister made sure I was showering every day, not just to keep my incision clean, but also to keep my sanity and feel like a person. I don’t know how many times I had to have her and my mom take a night shift with the babies because I simply could not function. They’d let me sleep, and bring the girls in and sometimes my sister would have to actually physically hold the girls so I could latch them because I was so tired. Her friends came in to help, and my friends came in to help. A year ago I would not have been able to even ask, but it’s no exaggeration to say that I wouldn’t have made it through the first three months of the girls’ lives without my family and my people to get us through.
While I’m not sure why I was supposed to take the year off of writing, I can say that I am seeing all of the benefits of NOT having had my goals for writing be for other people during such a vulnerable time. I know myself, and had I been trying to make sure I was pandering to other people, I would have been so much more open to the mom shaming and the opinions of the People Of The Internet on everything from breastfeeding to sleep training, the whole puree vs baby led weaning debacle. It’s been fairly liberating.
And, in all of that I was also able to walk through some of those areas where I was convinced I knew what God’s plan was (haha) and He showed me where He had something so much better planned for me – if I’d been pushing through mom life and my online life like that, it would have been so much more difficult to hear what He was really saying.
I don’t really have some fabulous 9 point plan figured out for what my online presence is going to be. I do know that I’ve missed writing about how we’re functioning around Jason’s job, and how we’re navigating parenthood through that. I’ve missed getting to see messages from my friends around the globe who are walking through some slightly different but just as wonderfully difficult version of this path. We’re still figuring out the plan for the internet presence our girls will or will not have. But most of all I’m really excited to get to walk through all of this. Hopefully a little more vulnerable, and a little more real… if a lot more chaotic.